[Yeah thanks for not breaking in. Tucker unlocks the door because of course he's one of those people who dug up a lock in the shops.]
Sure, come on in.
[He gets that whatever this is, it's probably Serious, but he's trying to keep the air casual for now. He's not sure if it's to make Harlan more comfortable, or himself.]
[HH expects nothing less. He follows Tucker into the apartment, settling in at the table because that seems like the thing to do.
And then he jumps right into because that also seems like the thing to do. Harlan isn't one to beat around the bush.]
I'm gonna tell you some personal shit that I think you should know because we're friends. It'll sound like a big deal, but it's not. I've got it handled. I'm not asking you to do anything about it. It's just shit I want you to know.
[Tucker turns a chair around and sits with his arms crossed over the back. He feels more at ease that way, like there's some small amount of substance between him and whatever Harlan's about to say.]
Okay. So you just want me to listen? I can do that.
[Again, he's not sure which of them he's reassuring.]
[No matter how many times he goes over this with people, he's still never sure how to start. Where to start. And usually he has a reason for bringing it up, or it comes up naturally somehow, or it's forced out of him by a therapist. This is maybe the first time he's willingly offered up the information with no prompting at all.
So, here goes.]
I have fantasies about hurting people. I've been in therapy for it since I was a kid. It's under control—I'm not gonna fucking act on it—but resisting is tough sometimes, especially here.
[That's... hardly the full story, but it's a good enough summary to start. Then again, admitting this shit to anyone never feels like a finished thought. There's always more that they don't understand, that he hasn't elaborated on in quite enough detail, that he feels like he's hiding. Short of laying out his darkest thoughts in detail, shaking that feeling probably isn't possible.]
[Tucker usually only pauses after people talk to give them the false impression that he's thinking about whatever it was they said. But in this case, it's not fake. This is something that requires some legitimate consideration. It's not something he can afford to fuck up.
They don't usually talk about serious stuff, he and Harlan. Not this serious, anyway. But this clearly took a lot of effort to put out there, so it has to be handled carefully. And somewhere in all of this deciding how he should react, he needs to figure out how he actually feels about it. But it's hard, sometimes, to separate his real thoughts from the carefully crafted image.
Should he ask a question? Just immediately accepting this doesn't seem like the right thing to do. God, does he even actually accept it? Harlan's never hurt him, and he says he's got it on lock, but also that's... kind of unsettling. Has Harlan ever thought about hurting him? Hurting Kyna? God, no, that's like when people come out as gay and their friends think they're coming onto them. It's stupid.
It takes a lot of effort, but Tucker decides to try and just say what he's thinking. No filtering. He owes Harlan that much.]
I, uh, I gotta be honest, that's a lot to take in.
[He stares at the table for a moment, tracing the scratches on it with a finger.]
But I mean, you said you're in therapy and shit right? And you're at least resisting it, which is more than you can say for most of these chucklefucks around here. I'm not gonna like, treat you like a rabid animal. [He's sort of telling himself that, at the same time. He will not.]
I mean you're dangerous, but that's because you're a sorcerer, not because of your... this. [He makes a vague hand motion.] God, fuck, I don't know what I'm talkin' about. Is there, like, a reason this came up now? Or is it just, I don't know, on your mind.
[Harlan appreciates more than words can express that Tucker is trying as hard as he is. He knows that he's putting Tucker in a difficult position, forcing him to grapple with something as serious as this. The gravity is not lost on him.
That said, he laughs a little, partly because watching Tucker stumble over himself is a touch comical and partly out of relief. He'd hoped this wouldn't be that big of a deal, of course, but there's always the risk that this information could end a friendship.]
Thanks. [It's a blanket statement. He could elaborate, but he knows it's not necessary.]
There's not really a reason, no. I just thought you should know seeing as everyone else I'm close to does. Kyna found out during that mirror event back when we first got here, and it's come up with Delmar and, uh, Hayden.
[He feels a little weird admitting that last name. It's not something he should be talking about with a kid, but, well. Circumstances.]
Michael knows, of course, and I've talked to Lance about it.
[More casually than professionally, but his advice was still helpful.]
For the record, you're not the last to know because I didn't trust you. I do, but I didn't want to saddle you with my shit.
Hayden? I'm gonna guess that one was mostly an accident.
[Harlan laughing makes the mood lighter, makes it easier for Tucker to joke around, too. It feels like some of the pressure's been let out.]
I don't feel like you're saddling me with shit, though.
[He swallows, clears his throat a little. Sighs.]
I'm gonna level with you, this is about to be cheesy as shit. But fuck, HH, you know all the shit we've been through together? How many times we've almost died? I sure as hell didn't trust you when we met, but- Fuck, I don't know what I'm trying to say.
[He runs a hand through his hair.]
If you say you've got it, then you've got it. But I think it's pretty clear we got each others' backs by now, right?
[Sort of. He could condense it, but really, he just doesn't feel like getting into it right now. He feels bad enough about that one as it is.
He tries really hard not to crack the biggest of smiles when JT goes on his cheesy tangent, which, truth be told, Harlan doesn't find cheesy at all. Maybe that says more about him than Tucker, but, well. This is nice to hear.]
Thanks. That means a lot, especially coming from you.
[He grins. He's sort of joking, but also, he's not. He knows that earning Tucker's trust is a true accomplishment, and he's not about to take it lightly.]
I might ask you to hang out sometimes to take my mind off shit. Would you be cool with that? You can say no.
[Tucker doesn't super enjoy being called out on how slow to trust he is, but this at least kind of sounds like a joke? Either way he doesn't respond, and just kind of lets the conversation move on to the question.
He hates that he actually has to think about this one. Because real friends are supposed to just like, drop everything to do whatever it takes, right? They're supposed to be selfless.
But whatever. Tucker's long since come to terms with the fact that he's never going to be one of those people. Maybe that's a bad thing, maybe it's not. Maybe everything's arbitrary because morals are fake. Who cares.
On the plus side, his time spent thinking at least doesn't come to a harsh conclusion. Yeah, okay, Harlan has this desire to hurt people sometimes. But he's mellowed out in the last year and a half, and he never tried to hurt his team (on purpose, anyway,) even back when he was on his weird unhinged bender, so it's probably fine. And it's not like Tucker can't defend himself, as much as he really doesn't like that the thought just crossed his mind.
God, whatever. This is as close as he gets.]
I mean... sure. I can make you watch my shitty god movie. That'll take your mind off anything.
[Or make you want to murder people even more? It's a toss up.]
[Again, Harlan knows Tucker pretty well. He knows that this a big ask, and he knows why Tucker pauses before answering.
Truth be told, Harlan appreciates the pause. Most friends would answer right away, would tell him that yes, of course, that's what friends do. But that shouldn't be expected, not for something like this. Harlan would rather Tucker consider the gravity of Harlan's request than blindly agree and realize in the middle of a bad night that, actually, no, he's not cut out for this, he's not comfortable. It would be a dick move for Tucker to blow off a request to help Harlan move, or to go to a funeral, or... whatever other "of course, that's what friends do" kind of shit. It would not be a dick move to admit that he isn't the right person to be responsible for Harlan's safety.
He considers bringing that up. Maybe it would help Tucker to know that Harlan understands. Or, more likely, it would be weird that Harlan read into the silence and chose to comment on it like a concerned dad.
So.]
Fuck your shitty god movie, man. That thing's like two days long. You almost killed Hayden with it.
[Yeah, this is much easier. But it doesn't seem like they're avoiding the topic, just that they've settled it, and they're moving on. It doesn't feel unfinished, even if Tucker's glad they're talking about this now.]
God, I feel bad about that, if I'm honest. I didn't think anybody would actually fuckin' watch the whole thing, you know? Like, Christ, kid.
[Nice job, Tucker. You made it through a very serious conversation and came out the other side with minimal awkwardness and fretting. Harlan is genuinely very proud of you.]
Don't beat yourself up about it. No one can ever predict the weird shit that Hayden will get up to. Hell, I should've realized the little guy wasn't sleeping.
[Harlan is a bad parent.]
Speaking of, I should head out. I gotta feed the kid or else he'll start eating trash.
Same here. It's a miracle he's survived as long as he has.
[It really is incredible. Does Hope just keep some kind of permanent anti-death barrier on him? They'd need a Hope event every other week to keep up with the amount of revivals Hayden should've racked up by now. The kid needs a punch card.]
Yeah, I will. Thanks, JT.
[He holds out a fist for a very manly knuckle bump.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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i figured text would make u sweat less. lol.
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i can deal with it w/e it is
where u wanna meet
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i can come to u. where u at?
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[And he will indeed, back from all the stupid card tricks and riddles he's been doing for the gods.]
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He's waiting outside, though. What a pal.]
Hey. Thanks.
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Sure, come on in.
[He gets that whatever this is, it's probably Serious, but he's trying to keep the air casual for now. He's not sure if it's to make Harlan more comfortable, or himself.]
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And then he jumps right into because that also seems like the thing to do. Harlan isn't one to beat around the bush.]
I'm gonna tell you some personal shit that I think you should know because we're friends. It'll sound like a big deal, but it's not. I've got it handled. I'm not asking you to do anything about it. It's just shit I want you to know.
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Okay. So you just want me to listen? I can do that.
[Again, he's not sure which of them he's reassuring.]
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[No matter how many times he goes over this with people, he's still never sure how to start. Where to start. And usually he has a reason for bringing it up, or it comes up naturally somehow, or it's forced out of him by a therapist. This is maybe the first time he's willingly offered up the information with no prompting at all.
So, here goes.]
I have fantasies about hurting people. I've been in therapy for it since I was a kid. It's under control—I'm not gonna fucking act on it—but resisting is tough sometimes, especially here.
[That's... hardly the full story, but it's a good enough summary to start. Then again, admitting this shit to anyone never feels like a finished thought. There's always more that they don't understand, that he hasn't elaborated on in quite enough detail, that he feels like he's hiding. Short of laying out his darkest thoughts in detail, shaking that feeling probably isn't possible.]
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They don't usually talk about serious stuff, he and Harlan. Not this serious, anyway. But this clearly took a lot of effort to put out there, so it has to be handled carefully. And somewhere in all of this deciding how he should react, he needs to figure out how he actually feels about it. But it's hard, sometimes, to separate his real thoughts from the carefully crafted image.
Should he ask a question? Just immediately accepting this doesn't seem like the right thing to do. God, does he even actually accept it? Harlan's never hurt him, and he says he's got it on lock, but also that's... kind of unsettling. Has Harlan ever thought about hurting him? Hurting Kyna? God, no, that's like when people come out as gay and their friends think they're coming onto them. It's stupid.
It takes a lot of effort, but Tucker decides to try and just say what he's thinking. No filtering. He owes Harlan that much.]
I, uh, I gotta be honest, that's a lot to take in.
[He stares at the table for a moment, tracing the scratches on it with a finger.]
But I mean, you said you're in therapy and shit right? And you're at least resisting it, which is more than you can say for most of these chucklefucks around here. I'm not gonna like, treat you like a rabid animal. [He's sort of telling himself that, at the same time. He will not.]
I mean you're dangerous, but that's because you're a sorcerer, not because of your... this. [He makes a vague hand motion.] God, fuck, I don't know what I'm talkin' about. Is there, like, a reason this came up now? Or is it just, I don't know, on your mind.
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That said, he laughs a little, partly because watching Tucker stumble over himself is a touch comical and partly out of relief. He'd hoped this wouldn't be that big of a deal, of course, but there's always the risk that this information could end a friendship.]
Thanks. [It's a blanket statement. He could elaborate, but he knows it's not necessary.]
There's not really a reason, no. I just thought you should know seeing as everyone else I'm close to does. Kyna found out during that mirror event back when we first got here, and it's come up with Delmar and, uh, Hayden.
[He feels a little weird admitting that last name. It's not something he should be talking about with a kid, but, well. Circumstances.]
Michael knows, of course, and I've talked to Lance about it.
[More casually than professionally, but his advice was still helpful.]
For the record, you're not the last to know because I didn't trust you. I do, but I didn't want to saddle you with my shit.
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[Harlan laughing makes the mood lighter, makes it easier for Tucker to joke around, too. It feels like some of the pressure's been let out.]
I don't feel like you're saddling me with shit, though.
[He swallows, clears his throat a little. Sighs.]
I'm gonna level with you, this is about to be cheesy as shit. But fuck, HH, you know all the shit we've been through together? How many times we've almost died? I sure as hell didn't trust you when we met, but- Fuck, I don't know what I'm trying to say.
[He runs a hand through his hair.]
If you say you've got it, then you've got it. But I think it's pretty clear we got each others' backs by now, right?
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[Sort of. He could condense it, but really, he just doesn't feel like getting into it right now. He feels bad enough about that one as it is.
He tries really hard not to crack the biggest of smiles when JT goes on his cheesy tangent, which, truth be told, Harlan doesn't find cheesy at all. Maybe that says more about him than Tucker, but, well. This is nice to hear.]
Thanks. That means a lot, especially coming from you.
[He grins. He's sort of joking, but also, he's not. He knows that earning Tucker's trust is a true accomplishment, and he's not about to take it lightly.]
I might ask you to hang out sometimes to take my mind off shit. Would you be cool with that? You can say no.
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He hates that he actually has to think about this one. Because real friends are supposed to just like, drop everything to do whatever it takes, right? They're supposed to be selfless.
But whatever. Tucker's long since come to terms with the fact that he's never going to be one of those people. Maybe that's a bad thing, maybe it's not. Maybe everything's arbitrary because morals are fake. Who cares.
On the plus side, his time spent thinking at least doesn't come to a harsh conclusion. Yeah, okay, Harlan has this desire to hurt people sometimes. But he's mellowed out in the last year and a half, and he never tried to hurt his team (on purpose, anyway,) even back when he was on his weird unhinged bender, so it's probably fine. And it's not like Tucker can't defend himself, as much as he really doesn't like that the thought just crossed his mind.
God, whatever. This is as close as he gets.]
I mean... sure. I can make you watch my shitty god movie. That'll take your mind off anything.
[Or make you want to murder people even more? It's a toss up.]
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Truth be told, Harlan appreciates the pause. Most friends would answer right away, would tell him that yes, of course, that's what friends do. But that shouldn't be expected, not for something like this. Harlan would rather Tucker consider the gravity of Harlan's request than blindly agree and realize in the middle of a bad night that, actually, no, he's not cut out for this, he's not comfortable. It would be a dick move for Tucker to blow off a request to help Harlan move, or to go to a funeral, or... whatever other "of course, that's what friends do" kind of shit. It would not be a dick move to admit that he isn't the right person to be responsible for Harlan's safety.
He considers bringing that up. Maybe it would help Tucker to know that Harlan understands. Or, more likely, it would be weird that Harlan read into the silence and chose to comment on it like a concerned dad.
So.]
Fuck your shitty god movie, man. That thing's like two days long. You almost killed Hayden with it.
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God, I feel bad about that, if I'm honest. I didn't think anybody would actually fuckin' watch the whole thing, you know? Like, Christ, kid.
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Don't beat yourself up about it. No one can ever predict the weird shit that Hayden will get up to. Hell, I should've realized the little guy wasn't sleeping.
[Harlan is a bad parent.]
Speaking of, I should head out. I gotta feed the kid or else he'll start eating trash.
[Again.]
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[Basically whenever he thinks about him.]
I won't hold you up but just, uh, tell me if you need anything, yeah?
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[It really is incredible. Does Hope just keep some kind of permanent anti-death barrier on him? They'd need a Hope event every other week to keep up with the amount of revivals Hayden should've racked up by now. The kid needs a punch card.]
Yeah, I will. Thanks, JT.
[He holds out a fist for a very manly knuckle bump.]
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No problem, HH. See you around.
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[He stands, and then he's gone. Magic!!!]